A Toast to the Fat Friend and New Beginnings

Every new beginning comes from some other "beginning's" ending.

        Growing up, I had always been everyone's "fat friend". Sure, there were girls who were a little bigger than me, as were there girls who I could double up and I'd still be bigger than them. But it was all good! 
I always knew I was different than most of my friends. They all went from boyfriend to boyfriend, and I was the one who was just "one of the guys" - AKA always friend zoned! (lol)

        We used to move around a lot so I never had many friends I saw out side of school, except, of course the other kids in which ever neighborhood we landed in. I used to be fairly active, played sports with the other guys, rode bikes, always played out side from the time we finished homework right until it was time to wash up for dinner. But no matter where we moved, some how, I always ended up back in the same school system. For the size of the city, there were only a few elementary schools. 

        When I was in middle school, I started the magical and oh so unavoidable transformation from little girl into young lady. And boy, did I hate it! I didn't like the attention! And my guy friends who had always been my guy friends now looked at me different. So, I changed from a girl who was their friend, to a tom-boy who just wanted to be one of the guys again. I'm pretty sure everyone realized, they were just nice enough not to say anything. And so began the hiding behind baggy clothes. 

       I loved going to school! I was voted "class clown" and "most friendly". And then ... We moved again! This time it was supposed to be a permanent move. Where I lived through my childhood was a very diverse and busy city - Everyone was friendly to one another, no one got in your way, and everyone just got along. I don't know why, but there seemed to be just happiness and positive vibes. Where we moved, how ever, was the total opposite, to us at least. It was a small town, not too far from the city we were living in. Everyone seemed to get along and had no real issues with one another. But it wasn't very diverse... at all! 

        Until this point, I just made friends with people because it's what I was good at. I could smile at someone, tell a joke or two and BAM! We're best friends. But this new school, which I was starting half way through the academic-school-year, was much different. My first day at school was Halloween. Everyone came dressed in different costumes, masks, hats, etc. I, how ever, was dressed like I was going to a new school for the first time. This was the first time I was reminded that I was not white and not welcome somewhere simply for the reason that my skin was a different hue than everyone else... Which sucks!! I literally went from being one of the most liked and friendly people in my school to being the most hated and quiet. I used to sit alone at lunch and in the back corner of the class rooms, and no one cared. Not even the teachers/ staff. Dad finally realized and we moved 2 years later - Summer after 8th grade graduation.

        The high school wasn't as diverse as where I grew up, but it was MUCH better than the middle school! I told my self, I wasn't even going to bother trying to make friends. My freshman year came and went. I made 1 friend that year. She moved away the summer of freshman year. Sophomore year began and I was all alone. I just went from class to class and prayed for the day to end so I could go home. I hated school now. Then a girl from the city I grew up in moved to our area. I didn't know her when I lived in The City, but I wanted to know her now! But, I had forgotten how to make friends. I didn't know how to walk up to her and introduce my self, and realizing that made me not want to even try. But somehow, we ended up being introduced and became friends. From that friendship came many, many more friends!

        I was still, how ever, the "Fat Friend" - Only this time, I convinced my self that the best plan was to avoid "fat friend" type situations. I couldn't go out shopping with my girl friends because... Well none of them went into the plus size stores. Duh! I'd go to the mall and walk around stores pretending I was going to buy something and then, oops!! Changed my mind at the last second. I'm pretty sure everyone caught onto my act after a few times.

        Welcome to the chapter of my life that I like to call "Fat girl depression." - Pretty much stemmed from not having any social life and realizing how NO ONE around me was any where near my weight. Mind you, I was around 160 at this time, but all my girlfriends were under 120. Oh, how I'd KILL to be 160 now! *sniffle sniffle* (lol) While undergoing blood tests, I found out I was pre-diabetic/ insulin resistant, and had PCOS. Thanks for your gifts, obesity! 

        I've literally tried almost every fad diet anyone has mentioned to me. From herbal teas, to starving (which didn't last long because I love eating), to diet pills and so on! Of course some worked for a little while, but then UGH!! Much to my disapproval, all the weight comes back and brings some friends to stay and party. So slowly, slowly, but surely, the weight's crept up. I seemed to have plateaued at 260 for a few years. As much as I tried, the scale wouldn't move - higher or lower! 

So what's different now?

        I married way too early (20) and just went through a divorce. Ex-Hubby dearest had THE nicest (sarcasm) things to say about my weight and comparing me to every super-model-esque girl he could. Really  went out of his way to make me feel crummy about my self!!

        I wish I had some photos to compare my weight. But I went through a stage where I deleted ANY and every photo of my self that even hinted that I was over weight.

        And now, I'm at the stage in my life where I have completely isolated my self. I have very few friends who I talk to every now and then through social networking. I miss my social life.

There's a wild and crazy/ fun girl hidden some where behind all this blubber!

So, I've just got to get rid of it to let her out and be free!